Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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