No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
