i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
