I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Congratulations! We have a period
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
