I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
ugly people sure do ruin things
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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