sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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