i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
