Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Can you bring me the toilet please
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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