Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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