You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
be right there i have to get my cape
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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