i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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