well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
