Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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