You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
