At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
we're so committed to being not committed
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