True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
