Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
