Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
