I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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