I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
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