I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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