So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
