Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
