just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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