I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
