i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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