Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
