eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
