I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
