What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
