Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Randomize
