Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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