i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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