Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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