Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
