my mouth tastes like poor choices
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
