He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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