The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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