when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
