brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
