I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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