I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
