Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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