im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
