thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
