Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
