This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
