hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
