I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
don't judge my taste in strippers
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
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