theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
