I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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