My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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